If the path we take is set by someone else for us, every step we take gets us to the wrong place faster.
Growing up, I played almost every sport. I not only played them, I competed. Before age 10, I was well-versed in winning or losing. I had not yet seen Premier League soccer games, many of which result in tie scores which as 0-0, 1-1, 2-2… In my mind, as a kid, every game ended in a win or a loss. It did not matter if it was a ping-pong match in my childhood home’s basement, a pick-up basketball game at a local park, or a baseball tournament in Cooperstown. There were clearly defined winners and losers.
Outcomes in school followed suit. Grades from B+ to A+ were so considered good, C+ to B were deemed average, and F to C- were seen as bad, essentially unacceptable. A stellar report card often led to rewards such as McDonald’s happy meals, more freedom, later bedtimes. Awards for accomplishment and detentions for deficiencies were consequences I was keenly aware of.
While these acts of positive reinforcement are all done in good faith, following the child psychology doctrine of “what’s rewarded gets repeated,” too great of a focus on outcomes tells a young mind: good things come only to those who produce good work. I was one of those young minds who intensely sought positive reinforcement. I prized a compliment from a teacher. I craved applause from a crowd. I chased validation from other’s admiration. Why? Threads become cables through repetition and emotional experiences; my habits formed from consistent and continual approval from loved ones and strangers.
This is not great nor terrible.
It is what it is and it was what it was.
In fact, it served me well.
My brown-nosing towards teachers led to straight A’s academically (even when I may have deserved a B or a B+). My bulging eyes and question-asking towards coaches led to greater amounts of playing time and less criticism. My politeness towards parents and curiosity towards elders led to more attention, compliments, and opportunities. If the game in childhood was to fawn over, to please, and to provide flattery, I played it and I strived to win.
However, there is no benefit without a cost.
——
For far too long, I willingly sacrificed authenticity to attach to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Whatever was best for my team, my class, or my family, I did that over a decision of personal conviction.
By my late teenage years and my early twenties, I started to get random injuries. When we sacrifice our own needs for too long, our psyche gives our body physical issues to deal with. As if my brain one day said, “That’s it! I’ve had enough! When will I stop people-pleasing instead of living authentically and truly as myself?” I dealt with stress fractures, soft tissue pains, and long bouts of tiredness in bed. Rather than listen to my body, I kept playing the societal-based, results-oriented game. I ended up in areas, places, and relationships where I did not have the courage to be myself. Injuries became illnesses and illnesses bled into tears.
Then, all the sudden, in the middle of the night, as I lied in bed inside an apartment in Manhattan, I could not stop crying. My body ached. My eyes were flooded. My soul began to scream. Within minutes, I wrote a plan for what I would do next. Within hours I called those closest to me (because accountability increases when a promise is made public). Within days I quit my job. Within weeks, I hiked peaks throughout Arizona. Within months, I started my own LLC, Mark Glicini Peak Performance. Within years, I turned a promise into proof.
If we do not change, even when we are sad, Life will chant at us: “I guess it does not hurt enough yet.”
Maybe it is real, that phrase and place, Rock Bottom. It’s my psychological than physical. Once you touch it, there’s only one way to go: up.
Psyche comes the word “soul.” Psychopathology, therefore, means “disease of the soul.” When a soul is uneasy for years, our bodies contract disease, injury and illness. How bad does it have to get for us to change? Well, as the age-old adage goes: change occurs when the fear and pain of staying the same outweighs the fear and pain of change.
The hard lesson I learned by chasing outcomes is that a performance-based identity is exhausting. A purpose-based identity, built on authenticity and self-awareness, allows for inner peace.
Why am I here?
Who do I want to become?
How could I be truly me?
Those questions matter more than what happened, what will happen, and what the score of any game ends up being. Our best lives come from the best reason, made of faith and purpose instead of fear and pain. Why, Who, and How provide depth beyond What, What, and What. We must go beyond winning and losing; we must find wisdom and love learning, especially through relationships and for ourselves.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever.”
— The Serenity Prayer, Reinholdt Niebuhr, 1892-1971
It’s great to compete.
It feels great to win.
The best competition to win, the only game worth playing, the only path worth taking: becoming the best version of you.
— MG