Nothing is negative nor positive… how we think and talk about an event makes it so.
Abracadabra: “as we speak, so we create.”
This idea is called The Solomon Paradox. It originated from the Bible, which clearly illustrates King Solomon as someone who proclaims statements of great wisdom yet makes suboptimal decisions in his personal life. Elements from ego and feelings of fear cloud our individual minds such that other people’s problems seem easier to solve because we have built-in distance from them. Our own issues, blurred by emotional noise, become harder to navigate and to completely cure.
“What would I tell my best friend to do if they had this exact problem?” “What should Mark do?” These questions, which create emotional distance and insert third-person self-talk, eliminate personal threats and provide clearer vantage points.
I first came across this notion when I was studying Dr. Ethan Kross, an experimenter and a psychologist who studies neuroscience and runs the Institute of Mental Fitness at the University of Michigan. Kross, through his books titled Shift &Chatter, sheds light on the dark sides of decision making.
I first noticed third-person self-talk while I watched Rafael Nadal compete in major tennis tournaments. Nadal, along with his numerous rituals, would bark out: “¡Vamos, Rafa!” It was as if his family member, friend, or loved one was cheering him on. Rather than become a captive to his inner monologue, Nadal became a captain of his outer dialogue. Is it a consequence that his third-person self-talk helped him become one of the greatest athletes that ever lived, especially in the sport of tennis? I don’t think so.
I first realized the Solomon Paradox in my own life when I reflected on my own conversations with clients. Metacognition allowed me to see how much I was talking about, emphasizing, and sharing feedback about recovery, relaxation and rejuvenation. Prone to working over 80 hours per week myself, I decided to inquire about my own mindfulness modalities. “Mark, what could you do to improve how you recharge your body, mind, and spirit?” From that third-person self-talk, as if I was my own closest confidant, I found answers that allowed me to rest on the Sabbath each week, prioritize recovery, and enhance strategies around my own personal sleep habits.
Every person’s strength remains his or her weakness. Too much talking leads to express but also very little listening. Too much planning leads to organization but also unnecessary internal pressure when schedules shift. Too much compassion leads to empathy but also minimal truth-telling. So how do we behave with the appropriate dosage of different characteristics? Trial and error. Construction from criticism. Learning through failure.
One of my mentors is a lead authority on teaching relaxation. He walked out of his first public speaking engagement because he was so nervous.
Another mentor of mine coaches thousands of individuals on how to approach relationships, from personal to professional. She went through a divorce decades ago.
The greatest role model in my life, Jesus Christ, experienced the greatest amount of suffering possible (betrayal by a best friend, hatred from hundreds, every kind of abuse as well as torture and death via crucifixion). What were his final words? “Forgive them, Father, for they do not know what they do… it is finished!”
How many of us do not know why we do what we do? Evolution requires awareness. Who among us was born a sage? No one. What does it take to master our crafts? Mastering ourselves by mastering how we write, think, and talk most of the time.
Muhammad Ali, arguably the best boxer of all time, had a talk-coach named Bundini. His coach showed him how champions act, talk, and walk well before they become champions. His coach had him rehearse verses, quotes, and statements that increased his probability of success and significance every step of the way — from rags to riches, from faint-hearted to famous and fortunate through faith — life is a continuous serious of self-fulfilling prophecies. His coach consistently reminded him that what we say paves our way.
Consider these sayings about speech from some of the most profound philosophers who ever studied psychology:
“The misuse of language induces evil in the soul.” — Plato
“Speech is the representation of the experiences of the mind.” — Aristotle
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus
“Be silent, or say something better than silence.” — Marcus Aurelius
“No one can be trusted who is not trusted by himself.” — Seneca
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.” — William James
“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” — Ludwig Wittgenstein
“Once you label me you negate me.” — Søren Kierkegaard
“Language is the house of Being.” — Martin Heidegger
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” — Proverbs 18:21
Our words become our worlds.
Our bodies are either our shame-filled slaves or our closest confidants.
Our minds and spirits follow how our voice leads us.
- MG