The Skill We Should All Strive to Master

Developing life skills over time keeps us alive, makes us productive, and helps us mitigate pain. Some skills matter more than others. For example, learning how to communicate effectively could be viewed as more essential than honing in how to sing beautifully or dance rhythmically. Arguably, the most important skill to understand, evolve, and master: how to solve problems with other people.

After all, what’s better than creating lasting, meaningful relationships?

Not too much!

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The quality of our communication determines the quality of our relationships. Pulling from common themes inside Charles Duhigg’s best-selling book titled Supercommunicators, Jefferson Fisher’s work titled The Next Conversation, and Dale Carnegie’s masterpiece titled How to Win Friends and Influence People, here are 10 tools to enhance relationships through communication:

1. Ask better questions

2. Listen, then respond

3. Make others feel valued

4. Converse to connect, not to criticize

5. Seek to understand, not to control

6. Engage with empathy, not with sympathy

7. Remain composed and emotionally regulated

8. Be genuinely interested

9. Speak with calmness, clarity, and curiosity

10. Practice all nine above; we get better at skills through repetition

By following a few of these, we win friends. By following several of these, we win friends and influence people. By following all of these, we will win, influence, and love consistently.

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One of my mentors, Dr. Rob Gilbert, has been studying and teaching Sport Psychology for almost 50 years. I repeat, almost half a century! Each and every time I talk to him, he mentions a book, a speaker, or a thought-leader that fascinates him. He’s genuinely interested in people. He asks heartfelt questions and listens. He cares, empathizes, and makes me feel valued.

Rather than sit alone in his office, Dr. Gilbert walks the halls of Montclair State University, connects with individuals at local diners, and leaves messages on his daily Success Hotline (973-743-4690). In other words, he is always interacting with other people.

“There’s no such thing as a successful hermit crab,” as the old adage goes. We rarely learn on our own. We barely share when we stay in our shells, rooms, and houses by ourselves. We never bond through closed doors, ears, and hearts.

We must open ourselves up to opportunity.

Dr. Gilbert’s problem-solving with other people does not end within the confines of New Jersey, the state he lives in. He travels to cities like Boston, Manhattan, and Las Vegas for conferences. He adventures to different continents to give motivational speeches. He explores manuscripts regardless of what era, genre, or topic they cover.

His curiosity paves a path to empathy; empathy allows him to understand individuals; understanding individuals provides him with knowledge to solve problems… as well as teach others how to solve problems, too.

“In order to get whatever we want, we must first help others get whatever they want.” — Zig Ziglar

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Let us never permit fear of rejection keep us from connection.

When we act from a stance of fear, we may lose those we hold dear. Instead of simply knowing what we should do to improve our relationships, we must also recognize what may cause rejection and isolation. Here is a list of 10 actions to avoid in order to increase the probability of connection:

1. Be angry, negative, and pessimistic

2. Lack communication and stonewall others

3. Focus entirely on yourself

4. Blame, complain, and get defensive

5. Remain narrow-minded and closed-off

6. Act judgmentally and furious instead of mindfully and curious

7. Never laugh, sense humor, nor smile

8. Make everything serious all the time

9. Constantly busy yourself with distractions

10. Rarely, if ever, pay attention…

John and Julie Gottman, a romantic couple who has done the most research on relationships to date, often talk about “bids for connection.” When a loved one says, “Hey, look at that beautiful bird just outside the window!” or, “Do you see that remarkable mountain on the horizon?” … someone is grasping another person for his or her attention. The three potential ways a partner or a friend could respond to a bid for connection are:

1. Turn towards — acknowledge and bond over the bid

2. Turn away — miss the bid because of attention on something else

3. Turn against — become annoyed or reject the bid out of anger or passive-aggression

The third response is nasty. The second response is understandable at times. The first response is ideal as it builds deeper and deeper bonds between two people. Before problems are solved by people, time and attention must be shared by people.

Esther Perel, a renowned couples therapist, points to a love-filled strategy called requesting without protesting. To ask for someone’s attention is a vulnerable act. To receive someone’s attention is a loving gift. By requesting without protesting and by responding with intention, two individuals could make a full life story together, not just a short-term love story.

The Navy SEAL community replaces love, in this instance, with the word “trust.” It does not matter how much an individual can competently perform tasks if trust remains absent. Performance matters a lot; trust matters even more. When a team member needs help, it’s not just about, “Can you perform the job required?” It’s also and mostly about: “Can I trust you enough to perform the job with your whole heart?” When the answer is YES, that means a SEAL team possesses performance and trust.

“People do not care about how much you know until they know how much you care.”

In the early 20th century, renowned philosopher named Martin Heidegger pointed to one fundamental concept essential to human existence: care. Care determines how we relate to everything and everyone in this world. Human beings, with an emphasis on being, orient ourselves through our deepest concerns, priorities, and values. Being and Time, Heidegger’s predominant work, emphasizes how our time here on earth, while we embody our flesh, must be filled with consistent and palpable levels of care.

How much do we care about ourselves?

How much do we care about our family?

How much do we care about our friends?

“A pleasant voice multiplies friends, and a gracious tongue multiplies courtesies. Let those who are friendly with you be many, but let your advisers be one in a thousand. When you gain friends, gain them through testing, and do not trust them hastily. For there are friends who are such when it suits them, but they will not stand by you in time of trouble… Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter; whoever finds one finds a treasure. Faithful friends are beyond price; no amount can balance their worth. Faithful friends are life-saving medicine, and those who fear the Lord will find them. Those who fear the Lord direct their friendship aright, for as they are, so are their neighbors also.” — Sirach, 6:5-8 & 14-17

The quality, productivity, and longevity of our lives is determined by the quality of our closest relationships.

The quality of our closest relationships is determined by the quality of our communication.

The quality of our communication determines the loved ones we attract, the friends we make, and the problems we solve.